EPISODE 3
Any sort of validation where they look at it and they feel a connection and it moves them in some way, I get so much from that, that that's enough. I think it's that connection that keeps propelling you forwards through your mind saying, no, you're not good enough. So these little things will push you through those harder stones.
I hold the blade like this and I'm coming away from myself and then I basically am just taking slivers of the wood off to reveal the lead. And then once the lead becomes exposed, it's just slowly, slowly revealing it. And this is a good exercise, particularly with a soft pencil or a charcoal pencil, to tell you what kind of mindset you're in. It's a good way to breathe calmly.
Hands have more than one focal point in this story. My guest today has built a life and career as an acclaimed children's hand surgeon. But a few years ago, he decided it was time to apply his steady, considered hands to another pursuit, painting, and in doing so reinvigorated his own thoughts on freedom, his life's work, and the opportunity to bring stories to life from the canvas.
This is Freedom Unscripted, with Bran Sivas.
Whenever I think about you and what you've done, you seem to have the perfect life now. You dedicate specific days to just paint. You've constructed your own studio and you are just there solely. How many hours do you do in those days?
I have this sort of slightly obsessional personality in that I want to do it all the time. So even if I have dedicated days, I will literally be drawing in heavy, you know, I'll pull out my notebook in heavy traffic. I will draw in the evenings. I'll be drawing when I'm pretending to watch a film with the kids. What I'm trying to say is I would basically spend as much time as possible. So I would almost fall asleep in bed holding a piece of paper.
When you say balance, I wouldn't say it's as balanced as maybe it should be.
REJECTION AND NON-LINEAR PROGRESSION
I would imagine that's quite a mental shift then?
In any book written about creative pursuits, accepting rejection is, you know, if you can't take rejection...it's basically just a sequence of rejections.
Do you have certain things in place to help you break through that rejection barrier or whatever the mental state that it brings?
Yeah, there are soundbites. "Progression is not linear", is a good one. You know, it's just a simple phrase, but it means so much to someone where you know your work is, you should feel it's constantly getting better, but it's not. There are so many things that your mind will tell you to make you stop. And the way your brain tries to stop you doing it, it's so clever that it'll work out ways to make you not even realise that it's doing it. It's so nuanced that you don't even realise it's happening.
Narratives like what? You're too old?
You're too old to start doing it. Or you've left it way too late. You've been rejected so many times. Clearly your work is not good enough. When you get rejected, you'll fall into that. But knowing that's coming and that you will pull out of it and working out ways to motivate yourself to turn up every day. So you don't turn up because you're inspired or you feel that suddenly got an idea for a painting. You just show up and you do your work and then occasionally you might see some progression and you may see that the work is moving to something that you're happier with and that's part and parcel of it.
A WORTHY SON
One of the advantages of being a local celebrity is that you get places like this, one of our favourite spots in Chiswick, opening just for you, to do this interview.
Well it feels uncomfortable because I'm not a local celebrity I, but it is very nice of them to open up for this.
This transition from being a surgeon to a painter, an artist - let's not kid ourselves, you were born in Sri Lanka, I was born in India, and the whole concept of being a worthy son, doing a worthy profession, how did that conversation go when you said to two Sri Lankan parents, who are also doctors, right?.
Yeah, coming from Asian background the ultimate aim for Asian parents from my perspective certainly was that you essentially have to be a doctor. So you could say, oh my son's doing quite well and then in the conversation my mum would ask, oh how is it, what's your son doing? And they would say, oh he's now President of the United States of America and then she would say, oh, such a shame that he's not a doctor, but still, I'm glad that he's doing well.
My GCSE, you know, choices was such that it was either biology or art. And then when I mentioned that choice to my parents and said I was considering art, you know, they thought I was joking and just laughed it off.
And that was the end of the conversation, so it was biology, but I'm lucky and I enjoy that side of the work. So to a point where I don't think I would ever stop that. If you, and it may not be easy to pin this down when you're younger, but if you try and find a way to be paid to do what you enjoy doing on a day-to-day basis, then I feel that's more the money, more than anything else, that's successful.
I've heard you talk about the concept of chop wood, carry water. Tell me what chop wood carry water means.
You are rewarded ultimately, ultimately for consistent application. So it is constantly trying to improve that craft and doing it over and over again, despite rejection, despite failures and complications and surgery.
And despite the results not being what you want, there will be many reasons to stop doing it. So in medicine, there were times when I wanted to stop because I couldn't progress through a bottleneck in the training ladder and I felt like giving up because you always feel as though you're an imposter if you've been rejected that that is the world telling you that your voice in your head is right, that you should stop. But any sort of validation where you are essentially expressing yourself in the work and that if somebody else looks at it, then moves them in some way. I get so much from that, that that's enough.
THE SECOND ARROW
You and I talk a lot about mindfulness and meditation and specific philosophies that may aid a clearer mind or a less anxious mind. How much of that comes into what you do now?
To your first point, I think you know sometimes people would equate being more creative with historically there is that romantic idea of being more creative in a low slump or your mind being more fruitful during periods of low mood. It doesn't really, I don't really see that I find the the yeah I find the mindfulness side of it more useful in terms of dealing with what you call the secondary so the first arrow is the original problem, insult, pain.
Something you don't have control over, the event that you're upset about, the rejection you're upset about. The second arrow is your reaction to the first arrow, to how you process the problem. I would propagate a problem because you're constantly ruminating over it. The second arrow is hitting you harder and longer than the original problem was. So you could, the second error could go forever if you don't control it. It's important to recognize that that's happening and then try and uncouple those two things, that you are not a bad person because you created a bad painting.
One of the few good things that happens with this, it's something I think about when I get up at night to go to the toilet,three or four times.
On the fourth time, am I thinking about a second arrow? Or am I just really annoyed?
FRAMING FAILURE IN THE RIGHT WAY
Now that we're in your studio, I really want to ask you about your inspiration. Like, what's the process?
Well, I'm not happy with it at the moment. I'm happy with in terms of composition and I like the focus being of his face. And because I set him to one side, I needed to balance and offset that. And I wanted to create some vulnerability in his face in the way his expression was held and his body was positioned, but then some powerful figures that balanced out, so the horse is coming in.
So when you first start an activity such as learning to paint, learning to draw, learning to play musical instruments, there's where you want to be and what you're able to achieve with the skill set when you first start. And that gap between where you want to be and where you start sometimes feels insurmountable. As your understanding of the subject develops, the gap actually widens.
So initially you feel like it's slipping away from you because your taste is showing you even more, the work is even greater, more complex, but your skill set's not keeping up. Even though there's utility in it, just drawing a circle all the time just over and over again drawing a circle because you will improve but what you want to be doing is once you can draw that circle is to be challenging yourself and doing things outside your comfort zone and only then will you make mistakes but only when you're making mistakes will you be improving working outside your comfort zone that will enable you to get better but that means making mistakes. And accepting, you know, framing failure the right way.
So framing failure as without failure in a controlled way, and curiosity and experimentation, you're not, your speed of improvement is not gonna be there. So that's where the guidance comes in, because you're gonna have, whereas somebody teaching you will be pushing you into those areas and supporting you into those areas of dynamic tension and discomfort where you will improve faster.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Against any measure, Bran has made an incredible impact to the medical profession. And yet talking with him about this new application of his hands to art, or even just watching him mix paint and apply it to the canvas, he reveals an undeniable intensity you only get from following something you truly love.
His subscription to the 'Chop Wood, Carry Water' mantra has such resonance with me because of what it means for this idea of freedom. You have to work at it. Even when it may be repetitive, mundane or sometimes just a struggle to break through. Because as Bran knows, a life driven by a passion such as his, is a life worth pursuing wholeheartedly.
- fin
